Connecting Habits

When David I and first got engaged, he began to take my hand whenever we prayed. Whether we were in a corporate, small group, or private setting, every time prayer started, he would reach out and take my hand. It became a habit, not even a habit, but more of an expectation, something that we enjoyed. It connected us- physically and spiritually. Then a day came when if he was distracted and didn't reach for my hand, I reached for his- I had joined the habit.
I can't think of a time when we haven't held hands for prayer, if there was any way to be near each other at that time. Rarely, we'll pray over a meal at a large holiday gathering and we'll be on opposite sides of the room and just can't get to each other; in that case, we make eye contact before we bow our heads.
Now, this isn't a compulsion...it's a point of connection, a habit we developed rather unintentionally years ago. But, it's amazing. Why is it amazing?
Because in the good times and the bad, we connect.
Let's be honest marriage isn't easy. Two people falling in love and wanting to sacrifice a lot over the course of a lifetime, is a miracle in itself. There are going to be bumps along the way. Tough times, disagreements, frustrations, they will all happen. Having a 'connecting' habit is a great way to bring you back physically, emotionally, and spiritually to the good between you. It's a reminder that the bad isn't so bad and that 'this too shall pass.' There may be times, when these little connecting habits are all you've got or at least the best you've got in the communication department. I am not talking about when someone didn't do the dishes for the 100th time, even though it was their turn. I am talking about when there is a job change, a job loss, excessive work hours, disagreements over kids, money problems, addictions, extended family disputes, health crisis, mental instability, persistent schedule obstacles, and any number of other things a couple may face.
The simplistic beauty in this habit is that it's not entirely dependent on us. Even if we don't find (or prioritize) a time to pray together alone, we are going to be exposed to prayer- at church, in small groups, at meal time, at weddings, in lots of different places.
I wish we could say we planned it; this connecting habit is honestly one of the best things that ever happened to us...and we did it on accident!
And now, I am thrilled to say that the habit has spread to our kids. They love to try and reach out to grab our hand before we can even reach for theirs.

What habits do you have with a spouse, child, or other family member that connect you no matter what's going on in life?
What connecting habit would you like to start now?

~Sharon

How was your day?

Years ago, I made a conscious decision that I would become intimately familiar with what David does for a living (even back when I worked). Why would I do this? Certainly not so that I could have burdens to bear and stress to endure or because I don't have enough to think about. For me, it was a decision about how to best partner with him in marriage.
For David (and for many men I suspect) so much of what is going on with him emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually is tied up with what he is going thru, achieving, chasing, or dealing with at work. Knowing what he does and how he processes it, as well as the dynamics of his workplace have helped me to listen, understand, know how to pray for & with him, as well as give advice or have discernment about a situation from a different perspective (when he asks of course).

Now there are several key components to doing this:
1. I am only familiar with David's workplace and co-workers from his perspective (and there are 2 sides to every scenario). If an issue arises, I often just listen or simply ask him to think of it from the other person's perspective.
2. I think about his work, job endeavors, and career path as "ours." And it is ours- we make those decisions together and I live with the commitment, hours, and travel required, picking up all the extra slack. BUT, he is the one who owns them everyday so I have to remind myself that my attachment to them is for his benefit First, not mine.
3. I try (very hard and fail often, and yet keep trying) to only give advice or an opinion when asked.
4. I visit the office for various things and engage with co-workers often; I interact and build relationships as the opportunity presents itself without regard to office politics and challenges-- they are always changing and I don't need to concern myself with those.
5. David has always worked with women and many times needed to travel with them. Knowing each of these women (and their spouses if they have them) creates a natural protection for my marriage. There is a clear knowledge and respect by these women for David's wife and family and therefore a decreased opportunity that a inappropriate or uncomfortable situation could present itself.   ***This is not because I have anything to worry about where David or his co-workers are concerned! This is just SMART, PROACTIVE, marital strategy.

The idea of really understanding the answer when you ask "How was your day?" may not appeal to you but I have learned that even in the busiest seasons of our lives, this practice has helped keep us connected. I'd encourage you to find out one new thing this week about how your spouse spends his/her day.

~Sharon